but I always come back. I've instead just been ranting within my own mind for so long, and I tend to ignore writing in blogs when I spend all my time on Facebook and reading perezhilton.com. It's ridiculous how much time I waste. I have this strange feeling of accomplishment about me now. Since I've taken a couple of years and grown up (aka took chances and tried new things before judging people) I'm glad to have grown up in that sense, but I know I'll always be a dorky kid acting irresponsibly at times and just being whimsical and going for what I want and just living life without too much thought or worry or definitive planning, at least as much as my desire for control will let me. Where to possible start though. I don't even know the last thing I blogged about. Probably something useless and painfully impossible to go back and read due to the whining and assumptions.. And only a year ago too. Well I finished Richland. Probably the greatest decision that was made out of necessity and mostly with the pushing of my parents (it's crazy how they can be soo right about things). I think that the greatest thing that ever happened at Richland was because of theatre. Had I not gotten involved and taken classes I wouldn't have made the awesome friends that I did. Thankfully I did though and now I have them (even though some have seemingly disappeared... 'eh friends come and go and one can't dwell on it too much) Of course how many fewer great stories would I have if I didn't hang out with Cara! Haha.. I love the fact that I could make a friend that is as rad as that. Especially considering I though I already had the raddest (:P). And that example popped in my head mainly due to my saying of the adventerous streak i've been trying to add into life and have been enjoying (geocaching and camping, and so many other mini-adventures) and what is the mention of RCC theatre if I leave out the two best times there: Directing Beyond Therapy- It was like a test that I feel I passed, in which I proved to myself that I can do it. It'll be hard but soo worth it in the end. I could go on forever about how I loved it and at times tore my hair out because of it. It's the closest that I think I could ever come to understanding how someone feels when they have a kid. That love but had problems thing... but it was all worth it in the end and have the knowledge to have problems in a different way next time.. and of course IRL. I still get choked up when I hear "When You Go" and when people ask me about it. I can't really put into words how much that one meant. A combination of how revolutionary I felt it to be, how I was with the same people I started with, the closeness we had during it, and the fact that it was the end at Richland for me. On the subject of IRL and directing and RCC theatre in general it wouldn't have happened without Michelle. I'm so glad that she was my director/teacher/mentor/friend. Haha.. I have a person I can go to with all my theatre questions and who really aroused my desire to be in the backstage world of theatre. That's great and that's what I wanted to say in the messages to Michelle section but the overwhelming sense of sadness that it was over took all words out of my head and all that was left was meaningless mumbo-jumbo. But I know that she'll be a for sure part of my life and that's cool to have gotten from Community College. Well graduating with an Associates really leaves me somewhere new now. I'm transferring to ISU, basically starting all over... again. Gosh it was nerveracking at Richland and I'm sure that will be ampliphied even more at ISU. Luckily I've met a few people through Corey and I know I have at least one friend there! I have the strangest mixture of fear and expectation. I want to do great things there. I want to finally feel like my theatre dreams are coming true and that i'm on my way to teaching and directing. Who knows. I'm worried about the money, i don't know how it's happening and i know it will be hard. But I'll pull through. Even if it means being in debt a bunch.. who cares it's for my life and to be doing what I want in life. I wanted it to be an easier transition than it is but between the hectic transfer day and confusion that has ensued since and my auditioning and not getting to even hear back about helping backstage at a mini b-town theatre it seems to be a not happening. A good thing though.. I've chosen to make some life changes before I head off to school: The first: I gave up smoking for realz this time. there's nothing saying I won't have a social smoke every once in awhile, but the smoking on work breaks and whatnot is done. I haven't smoked for a week and i feel great! The second: Trying to be more outgoing and risk-taking. It's a slow go, but i'm thinking that with a little help from my friends it will happen. I'm doing things outside of my initial comfort zone this summer and hanging with people I don't know so we'll see :P The third: I'm really going for the health thing. I'm trying to eat less and make what I eat healthy. It could be going better but i'm doing okay. I don't have a gym membership but I do try to walk when I'm not at work standing and i'll be a guest at the Y every once in awhile. Finally: I'm saving money. I'm working more at work and going to spend less irresponsibly (to a degree) the first paycheck of the summer proved me a failure at this.. but i think it will be easier to do as my checks increase (hopefully). We'll see. And of course those silly personal views(which are everchanging as well as I try to figure out what I really believe about all sorts of things) Philosophy of Religion courses have gotten my brain tumbling about that one. I know the basic belief but not the derivitave ones so much anymore... a lot of thinking needs to go into it. Observations and discussions have me really questioning the value of relationships. I know how I value my friendships and family. But I really wonder what a "romantic" relationship even means. I've talked to a lot of opposing viewpoints on this. And who knows. All I know is that there's no need for it to be a priority. It's something that I'll let happen at its own will. Because right now I don't feel I need to look for it. Then there's my ever increasing cynasism. I don't know about people. I've come to realize that everyone has serious flaws.. but it's just a question of which flaws you can deal with when it comes to choosing who you want to be around in general (for any relationship, romantic or no) I've met new people some of them were totally great and awesome to meet, some it seems like caused more headaches and eventual annoyance than anything else. Who knows. I'm choosing to just wipe the slate clean of those that have annoyed me the past year. I'm over it. I'll either be their friend or not talk to them. It's up to others now, i'm done worrying about it so much. All in All I feel like this has been a year of change. I'm trying to take a more hippie/environmental/natural approach to life. It's been the best and I know it will continue to be | 
